Loner

School started, first day: hardcore advanced chemistry test FAIL.  The teacher took it upon himself to remind everyone how little we all knew; this class is going to be trouble, just like everyone says it is.  I'm not too worried, I've pulled bigger miracles from my bag of tricks before; it'll just be an interesting semester.  It always is.
My other school classes are standard fare, nothing really notable, just a few more GE classes with a 5K word quota. yay O___o

I spent the day ripping and uploading audio files for my old job (that I don't get paid for): with about 2.4GB transferring @ 65KB/s it took forever. Today was a boring, slow, easy day; I've got to remember to cherish them, with school they are going to be few and far between!


More and more I am understanding that happiness is a choice, not something brought about by certain circumstances.  Sure, somethings could be better and easier, but that does not inhibit the hearts  of the determined and secure. 

No matter how difficult a climb to a mountaintop, is not the view still spectacular?  I just hope that these beaten hands don't need to continue for too much longer before I see the sunset and golden clouds for myself.

My cellphone screen has broken. it's gonna be really hard for me to copy all my unsaved phone numbers to my SIM without a good PIM and some luck.

Long story short: message me if you want me to ever call you again.

(Xposted everywhere)

So my keyboard died. I'm trying to get used to my new one, but it seems like a real uphill battle. Man, my term papers are gonna take twice as long to type just because I keep on hitting the wrong keys.

touchtype FTL?

When my Flax Seed Oil wears off, the world becomes unbearable.

Nutrition therapy works, and in the hands of a skilled practitioner, it works well.  Goodness knows how many hard times just simple supplements have gotten me though.

Been having a hard time in my head as of late: like right on cue, a lot of awesome friends decide they want to share time with me.  Life has kept me sane, even now I sit here and I just happen to stumble across some touching pieces from Philip Glass right when my  heart is the heaviest.

A lot of people look into the universe and see nothing but pain and struggle, sadness, a bleak picture.  I differ, I say if we look for good it will find us; there is always good just as there is always pain and suffering- shadow and light, yin and yang- If you see one, just remember the other is just as present;please look and be receptive things always work out, I promise. They always work out.

The first and most important of my morals cannot be stated any simpler:
Love life, not stuff.

As life continues onward, as it tends to do, I find myself looking to the past more and more; learning lessons in the hindsight, knowing that there were better choices to be had and paths taken.  I find myself asking "what now?" A constant reminder that I currently reside in a completely alien point in my life.

As a few of you know, a student of mine was murdered because he was trying to leave his life of drug addiction behind.  I understand death, it is no stranger to me- some might even go as far as to say that I have conversed with it- regardless I was affected deeply by the loss.  Emotions I had long ago repressed have surfaced and once again I battle with ghosts from my past .  I found myself enraged at the selfishness of the act and stunned by it's permanance- death is one of the very few things in this universe that is not temporary, I cannot take solace in my Zen.

I lost my government job due to budget cuts, it doesn't really bother me too much.  I have another stream of income that seems to be doing just fine.

Mar and I are in our new place: location secret though- don't want a lot of freakos showing up ever.  We're now living out of boxes ( as always), but now in a bigger space.  After our tiny apartment, there seems to be too much room and now I really don't know what to do with some of the stuff.  Got a few years to figure it out though, so not really a problem :P

Made new friends, ran into a bad situation, and had to let them go. Such is life. Not too much of a bummer, afterall I didn't lose anything I already didn't have ( i think thats how the saying goes).

People say life is more free in a house, I haven't really experienced that yet.  Maybe after we get all settled in, things will change.

More later.
RIP S. Bowles 1987-2009

As Zen, we realize and accept the fact that everything is temporary.  Be it bliss, love, hate, pain, happiness, serenity, or enlightenment; everything exists only in a temporary fashion, everything is born/created and therefore dies/ceases as well.  Life is a sequence of events; in a non-specific order, one builds on the other until we develop ourselves and evolve into thinking and loving beings. 

There is no correct path, simply the way.  Just as there are many paths the trees in a forest create, there is not correct order of events to live through.  The way is unique to each individual, but the result is ubiquitous.

</oldman>
Went to an awesome party last night,  a little bit more on the risky side than usual but still a lot of fun.   Tons of drinking, visiting, and video games to go around.  I saw new and old faces and good times had with each.  It was a long night, and the only regret I have is waking up with a really bad hangover.

Grown in small quantities across my homeland by local farmers.  The beans, each region with it's own flavor, are gathered and mixed together; roasted as one.    Some say that the coffee made by them is representative of the true island spirit; some say it's deeper than that: the coffee reflects the flavor of your soul, the passions of life.

and for only 3 EASY PAYMENTS of $14.95 it can be yours! order now, supplies are limited.
</joke>

Nah, but really, one of the small pleasures of life is having something to remind me of good times in my past.  Every time I drink the coffee, I am reminded of the soft sound of the ocean, the smell of a roasting pig, and the jubilant local music; I know it really doesn't mean much (unless of course you've been there) and It doesn't help that I stink at imagery.

I never thought that something such as food could give me a moment of nirvana, of clarity; but it did and I am thankful.  I miss my homeland every single minute of every day, but at least I have something to remind me on a daily basis of what I strive and live for: the passions in life.

No, it's not just coffee. Yes you can have some if you come and visit.

I have finals this week *cries*  Stressed Oz is stressed; doesn't matter how well I know the material, I always stress out when finals roll around.

I actually like school, I just hate the tests and homework.  I don't mind spending time on something, but I find it downright intrusive when something takes time away from loved ones.


I almost kinda have a new job, a lot more fun than my current one and a lot more stable too.  I'll be finding out June 1st when my current job might be cut.

Social currency.  That a phrase I haven't heard since intro psychology.  Apparently the single most important type of currency; ya need it to get a job, friends, family, credit, and influence (all with varying degrees).  So this begs the question WTF is the actual big deal about it and where does it come from?

Some have it, some don't; some get it, some won't. What gives? honestly.  The idea being currency is that you need to trade something to get it and vice versa, so what exactly is that Joe McCool traded that DungeonMaster Jeff didn't. It can't be a positive correlation: Jeff has to work harder to make friends, get girls, get a decent job, etc.  So it must be the opposite, Jeff gave away more of his social currency for the skills to be better at school, hobbies, intellect in general (in some cases); that must be it, a case of bad investment.

It would seem we all start out with generally the same amount of social currency (with a few extreme genetic exceptions), how we spend it in order to get further in life seems to be key.  Investments in creating a sound mind are very important, like spending at an intellect store; but it would seem making an account with return like exercise (the return being health, looking fit, and social exposure) would make more sense; I mean, why buy in commodities when you can invest in a faster growing money-market (thats guaranteed to grow faster).

So choose wisely. Sure, it might be nice to be good at every video game ever, and memorize hundreds of awesome sci-fi books and movies, but don't underestimate the power of group activities, especially healthy ones likes sports, one of the choices has a exponentially larger return.  Not to mention both still have the same academic growth potential.

TL,DR: Find a balance between a healthy body and a healthy mind, there is a huge benefit; and yes a balance is possible (haven't you ever met an intelligent jock? I have, more than once too).

25mg diphenylhydramine (benadryl)    +   800mg ibuprofen (advil)
keep a fever down quite nicely: a whole 3degree reduction.


Bad news is I'm finally going to the doctor and I'm not as sick as I should be now. go fig lol.

I promise my next post won't be about being sick. Seriously, it'll be about my mate being sick who caught it from me.

I have been stressed for the last couple of weeks and after about 3 of them without much sleep and lots and lots of work, I am suffering the consequences.

I am really really really sick. I can still function, albeit at a very diminished level, but it'll have to do.

Current symptoms include:
headache
nausea
stomach pains
weak muscles
joint pains
blurred/grayed  vision
loss of balance
and my fave: heartburn

No need to worry, its just stress related sicknesses. I just need sleep and lots of R&R.

btw I've never been this sick in my life. ever.   *fall over*
 

A historically accurate story about the revolutionary war and the loyalist views before the continental army...............an they're all cats.



wow.

</sarcasm>

The Book of Five Rings tells us to face our fates with open eyes and hands at the ready; to run up the path of the arrow being fired at you and cut the archer before the second shot. 

There is a lot going on atm and I am completely overwhelmed. I'm not saying that I didn't help dig my own grave, but it still stands that I am currently standing on a sinking ship.  Between school always always causing problems, work eating slowly away at my soul, and my heart failing for sake of my social life; I am lost despite knowing The Way.  My support mechanisms are finally failing and I fear I have not enough resolve to hold myself steadfast against the perils of life once again in solitude; I fear I will return to my old ways out of necessity and become what I despise most.

Right now I am at a point in my life where I am being fired upon by all sides, and while I cut down my attackers one-by-one there are always a few more arrows in the air.  A hopeless situation, most likely, but to fight is to win; if one can defeat a single enemy 100 times, then one can defeat 100 enemies a single time. In the case of certain defeat, we fight a battle we know we will lose; rather than surrender.  To be struck down in combat is the only honorable defeat; alone we fall and alone are we remembered.  Such is The Way.

Woke up at 5 O.o gah, went down to Berkley with my boss to give a speech at the BASAP Conference.  Really small, about 300 or so attendees; but a lot of really heavy hitters in the alternative-medicine recovery industry.  I really enjoyed the two most reknown speakers:
-Dr. Medcalf: The Pleasure Trap (dopamine/behavioral addiction in todays society)
-Roland Williams (how to reevaluate programs for multiple types of clients)

Really dorky kind of topics such as amino acid therapy, intravenous nutrient therapy, problems with  12 steps, and a heated debate on the principles of risk reduction.  interesting really.  I rubbed elbows with politicians, policy makers,and CEOS/founders of other substance abuse recovery centers; I even met some people from Columbia and the Dominican Republic.  I love mingling and chit-chatting with this kind of impassioned crowd, everyone has their own story (and usually a good one).

I spoke at the end of the day on possible tacts to apply holisitc medicine to minorites in California. The speech was an hour long and I had a few very good (and difficult) questions from the audience (of 20) or so.  I was very anxious and stressed out up until I started talking, then the rest was very natural and easy.  I received good reviews and even a lot on interest in my organization at the end; there are now about 5 more .orgs that want to adopt our philosophy and education curriculum.

well, I can say that it was a productive day.

Actually nether, I just hit a wall with a paper I am forced to hand-diarrhea regarding a vacuous topic for an ethics class. To loosen it all up I'm going to partake in a little free-writing.

-Omega-
I really feel like every time I speak, it's the same as attempting to teach calculus to a bunch of insects- cockroaches, ya there ya go, cockroaches- teaching to a bunch of cockroaches.  It seems the only other person in that class that knows anything even remotely more than junk heard on MTV is the teacher; bless her soul for trying, seriously, she has a lot of merit.  Too bad the world doesn't run on ideals.

As most, if any of you don't know. I work in drug recovery (a strange beast is it).  During my days educating people that they've had the capacity they've been looking for in their suffering all along; I sometimes come accross questions that I cannot answer.  Most days I feel as though I've learned so much more from them, I feel I cheat them as I just show them the way and they teach me something completely new.

Most of the time these people are just searching for some kind of peace in their lives; something to quiet the roar of the masses, the clattering of clocks as time passes.  It is sad to see so much suffering and confusion, broken hearts and minds; all lost like abandoned children.  Society tells them that they are at fault and turn them away when looking for help; yes it is their fault, but they need our help. I know I would want a guardian to protect me as I put myself back together.  

In the meantime I have music. yes, thats my anti-drug.

-Alpha-
I'm at another crossroads in my life, this time a biggie. My college career is finally coming to a close, home-life is settling into a norm, work is decently well......working; with the new breathing room, I've come to learn of new things that enrich my life and passions that I can pursue.
Now I don't subscribe to the usual lifestyle dynamic; and that little kicker is becoming a big pain in my ass, something most people don't understand at the most basic levels.  I need to find a happy medium; or as my Zen cohorts would say, learn to be happy.  I don't think I have it in me just yet to give up opportunities in the name of others, the loss just always seems to finite, so great, so unbearable. 

I have a lot to consider -to decide- before I set in motion a monstrosity that will undoubtedly hurt a lot of people.

Thats the recent koan that I've had stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks.

Is it when the teacup is empty, so that it can be filled -or- is it when the cup if full of something, preferably something to drink.
In another rhetoric:
Is it the cups capacity to receive or to give that makes it useful; and no it can't be both, a cup cannot be full and empty at the same time. Each side has merit; then again trying to find your mind with your mind is folly. (hint: it's not actually about the cup or the tea.)
</old man>

I want to make this as clear as possible:
I try so hard to live my life with passion and dedication to truth; an honest pursuit of happiness. My main goal as an Academica is to understand both the world around me and myself as a person. The paths I take to reach those goals may seem strange, unneccesary, and even inappropriate to many; but know tha t I make those decisions with my heart and mind in accord.

So If i decide to be cold, distant and indifferent; it's not that I am trying to make someone feel bad, I am just trying to do what is truth for myself.

I've kinda messed up a lot in the social department.  It makes me feel a bit crummy. Oh well, such is life.

In other news, I've suddenly gotten a lot more responsibilities/time at work; it's nice, I need the money.

Classes are going alright, two of them are a cakewalk, the other two are going to be a lot of work; only four, I know. It's a dead semester, pretty much I'm just waiting for the next set of prereqs to be free so that I can graduate.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, yay?

It was nice to see and make new friends at the con, I always welcome new and rare faces. tons of fun, must do again.

that is all.

would you find a muscle car blasting old skool Mariah Carey.

god. I love it.